So, today, it's like this.

When your vision has been realised in something you love, a part of you stays with it, and, no matter what, you will always love it because you're there: it's a reflection of who you are. That is why I want to create. I want to design fashion so I can create things people can buy every day and wear and have a part of me with them, I want them to feel what I feel when I create, as an every-day, not exceptional way.

It's beautiful to dream and to have expectations and plans. Sometimes they go your way, and sometimes they don't. They usually don't, for me. Today I made a short movie/videoclip with one of my best friends and it came out perfect, exactly how I wanted it to. Today I put my mind and soul into something and it worked to my benefit.

Today, I also realised what it's like to feel betrayed or disenchanted with friendship. I lose friends like paper clips, and I don't know how, or why. It's difficult to make bonds, for me, when I know I have the utmost ability to push someone away without knowing, and, in the end, it's detrimental to me above all, because I stand, confused, in utter disbelief and completely flustered and ashamed of what it is I could have done (or not done) for this to happen. When I try to explain myself, be forward, and explain my feelings as they are (usually quite deep and dramatic, as am I), it comes off as arrogant: Why do I think the other person felt as deeply for me as I did for them? My reaction is astronomical compared to what they feel. I am always the more involved sentimentally, I always have more to lose, because, and I admit, I am always more dependant.

And so it turns out I'm a pretentious fuck for thinking I was important enough to be liked by as many people as I love. Really fucking pretentious.