You are your legacy

What has life been like lately? My bland attempts at cataloging my work and experiences have resulted in my trying merely to "remember" certain events, occurrences, and emotions that I've lived through as of late. It's obviously not what I intended. When I consistently and frequently record things I've done, read, listened to, and watched, I feel really productive and it usually turns out to be an inspiring and motivating experience. But doing things frequently, or even consistently, feels like such an obligation that I end up not acting on it. But if it's so beneficial?!?!?! Why wouldn't I WANT to do it?!?! Consistency is so hard. And yet I KNOW that it's the basis for any kind of success I wish to attain. 

But today I started looking back at the various methods of cataloguing that I DO keep updated, simply because they are truly easy to do so and also don't require much depth or effort on my part. Those tend to be Goodreads, which I obsessively update because I love keeping track of whatever it is I am reading (false sense of productivity, to be perfectly honest); Instagram, especially so since I began the #100happydays challenge, which I'm almost done with (this is a true test to my consistency abilities, and proves I CAN be consistent - haven't missed a day); and, finally, although less thoroughly, I've been keeping up with Pinterest, because it allows me to organize absolutely ANYTHING I want to, and speaks really closely to the perfectionist in me. So I guess I can be consistent, no? This should be enough proof. And yet, I realize that none of these things are really meaningful, in the way I'd like them to be.

I wish for more tactile experiences, sentimental and hands-on creative processes that take time and effort which allow me to value my work in relation to my life more. Outside of school and classwork, my own work is limited to birthday gifts for people and terrible doodles in scraps of paper. I wish I would force myself outside of the technological and, while useful, limiting world I've fallen into. I guess it's as easy as starting. But that's kind of the worst part - starting. Nothing's scarier for me than failure, hard work and time spent completely wasted on unsuccessful projects… I guess just the idea of doing something less than perfect makes me unable to proceed, and I wish that weren't the case.

Today, I went through my Youtube 'Favorites' playlist, which features an array of beautiful, meaningful, and tearjerking songs. They do catalogue my life at different times and I like to come back to it every so often to feel the pangs of emotion that come with remembering. Music is the best way to feel nostalgia, isn't it? You don't have to force your eyes to look at or read something, you can lie down and be in complete darkness, and still the emotions would be as strong as they were at that moment. And that playlist was the one that triggered all of this, and that reminded me of the necessity of cataloguing. Nostalgia IS useful, beautiful, introspective and an amazing creative outlet, despite the dangers of becoming "addicted to it". But, if the promise of future wonderful nostalgia is enough to puss me to catalogue and work, for MYSELF, that's enough. We all want to have a leave a legacy, even if it's for our future selves… even if it's for the dirt that will swallow it. Having a legacy isn't entirely about the person who finds it, but about the magnificent discharge of emotions which occurs in the process of creating it. 

Don't Drown

Photo credit: Aliza Razell

Lately life has been nice and stressful and filled with good things but also moments of a lot of anxiety. It's always kind of like that, balanced, in a way. But the anxiety weighs more that anything else. When they say "What is heavier, a liter of water or a liter of oil?" and you're supposed to answer "They weigh the same! One liter!" I don't believe it. What weighs more, an hour of blinding anxiety or an hour of happy complacency with the world? Trust me, anxiety weighs more. Happy moments are an appreciated break after the bad ones, but they don't fix too much. But hey, you kind of feel this pride in having survived a panic attack, or a really bad day. You're alive, right? That's what I hold on to. Not drowning. Optimism isn't for irrational people, it's for people who really don't want to drown.

Photo credit: Aliza Razell

So, not so long ago I had a conversation with someone who decidedly told me that pessimism is for reasonable people. When confronted with this, at first I felt a little bit offended because I believe quite the opposite, but then I realized that people deal with their daily problems in different ways, so maybe looking at your life like a black hole you want to crawl into will make the good moments especially refreshing and beautiful. However, having no expectations of life, while potentially seeming a simpler way to deal with certain aspects of it, can turn on you and instead leave you with a lack of will and excitement that can make you the most unhappy person in the world. I've always had my moments of darkness and pessimism, and it's impossibly hard to let go of them, they're so attractive and easy to feel - pain, sadness, disenchantment, anger... selfishness. What's really commendable is climbing out. So I'll keep turning back to positivity and optimism when I fall in the black hole, no matter how hard it is. I read somewhere most of the time we feel angry, sad or anxious over mere thoughts, which exist only in your head. Isn't it strange? We sometimes let all of these moments and ideas control our minds and our lives when you're the one forcing them upon yourself?

I guess life is just one big fight against yourself, to learn how to think better and love better and to lose the egoism which is falling into your sadness with no intention of coming back out. You will probably fall every so often, but I guess trying to come out is a choice, an optimistic one, and a commendable one, no matter what the outcome is.

I don't know why I wrote this but I guess there must be a reason if I did. Just try to be happy.

things from last month

BYE xx